television

I watched too much tv as a kid. though I guess I may use that as a way to beat myself up that I don’t really need to do. I was lonely. my family wasn’t around. or if they were they didn’t care that i watched tv. They didn’t invite me to play games etc. or go around the block for a walk. I remember my grandmother doing that, getting me to play gin rummy with her.

I loved tv. I watched all day every day when I could. I knew the schedules. I watched soap after soap after soap and then the talk shows and game shows and reruns. I did read too. I read “trashy” novels, aka romance novels. though I read other things too, like Little Women – the whole series by Alcott, other “teen” books, and Little House on the Prairie, and children’s books. I just wish I’d read more. And not wasted my time so much on tv. it was an emotional outlet for me. the “people” I related to. the melodramatic soap storylines – You can never be too happy because when you are happy – some big calamity will come and strike you down. then you have to go down the road to happy again. a bit like a drug really. soaps are so comforting because you do know the storyline, the plot. it’s all about relationships, love, man-woman. something I did not have in my life. so I lived it through their lives. the characters.

Even now I could sit and watch and watch tv. I may like movies/tv more than books. Yet I feel “bad” to think that. I do like and love books, but sometimes feel guilty when reading that I should be doing something else. Especially in the middle of the day. Unless it is for class etc.

Movies are all encompassing. They overwhelm my senses which I like. Yet I have never thought of my passion for films and movies as a serious occupation and interest til just a few weeks ago. I watch movies /  DVDs on tv and not much else on tv unless it is a favorite show which are few now. And I think that just watching the movies from Netflix is somehow better or more pure than watching mindless television. Why? It is just as much a time waster to watch a movie on DVD on the tv as anything else in life.

What is productive and what is wasteful? I am absorbed into philosophical questions today. on this soggy afternoon and day.

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Depression

Depression is easy. I knew this when I was moving back to Rochester, that it is easy for me to get depressed here. is it the weather? My life? This House? I am so used to sitting on a couch here and watching tv. That is how I spent my youth, literally!

TV represents my dad. We did not have a tv til I was 8. Parents were separated. Spring of 72?? I came home from Brownies – walked home alone (??) and there was a tv sitting on the dresser facing Lynn’s side of the room and dad was there watching tv with my sisters – I think it was Star Trek.

I watched daytime tv, soap operas galore from pubescence until well into my 20s. and 30s really. The only breaks I had were when I went to England at 2 different times.

Now I have this house, and the yard and garden worries.

Remembering the pain and worry and low feelings I had for so long in this house?

I can be successful in this house. I will be successful in this house.

But why am I overweight? I eat for depression sometimes. I weigh more than I ever ever thought I ever would and more than I want to be: 170.!!!!!! yikes double dutch yikes.  However I have gone down to 168 now. I would like to lose 30 lbs by the end of the year. And keep it off.

I spent so much of today volunteering. I volunteered at RPO and then did a thing for church, and then came home and mowed my neighbor’s front lawn. Then I sat on the couch for a good 3 hours watching Mad Men. To just get rid of the tv may not be the answer, though it may help. Last time I got rid of my tv I started library school.

Why is it so hard to find a good job/ successful job. it is not hard. I had a job and I left it. I have not worked regularly for over a year. this depresses me.